November 29, 2009

the grudges.

At times I wonder where hate is created, the world is full of "hate" but, hate is an emotion created in our own bodies, in our own minds & we solely control how we feel about every person (even those we don't meet..like..famous people? or..muslims?..or gays?).
I catch myself all the time saying.."ohh i hate her", even if I don't know that person well enough to "hate" them, because if you think about it..hate is such a strong emotion..there have been people in my life I really do know that I hate..that feeling that just makes you sick to even think about them. But most of the people I have said "I hate"..I know I am no where near hating them. I will just classify that person into the..I don't like them category and be done with them, even though they might be a great person. It's sort of like..when you start dating a person, you automatically hate all of their exes..you may not "hate" them..but you sure don't like them, or maybe it's just me that does that. I always wonder why, it's when you see their picture or you hear a story about them, it just makes you get all heated and switch subjects, but you don't even know that person, but just for the fact that they are your significant others ex..makes you "hate" them.

Especially in my past, I could have any little beef with anybody & automatically it was "avoid them, do not talk to them"..because that is how bad I hate dealing with confrontation. Now that high school is done and over you'd think I could get over "so and so" doing this and talking to this boy..but there is something in my body/mind that is like..nope, still can't talk to them. The same goes for exboyfriends/flings.. it was like an eternity ago that we dated, but you still avoid them in walmart, you still don't talk to them, like you broke up a week ago.
It's like I would rather avoid that person than have to deal with that awkward moment of.."hi, we dated, and now it's 4 years later, how are you?".. even thinking about it as I write makes the awkward scene seem to dangerous to attempt.

Which brings up my next thought..

Why does a simple argument (or any discussion) end up being such a heated debate..one that could even tear apart friendships?
I am the type of person that hates to argue, I would rather avoid the topic altogether or just not speak my view and let them have theirs..but there are times that either that day just feels like fighting or that topic is just not something I can pass up.
Thank god I am old enough now to realize when I need to stop..and to not let the littlest thing someone says to me destroy my entire world, but I still hate fighting.
I have friends that I know I can talk about certain subjects with and others that I know..avoid that topic altogether.
But at what point do we let ourselves decide that what someone else said to us..is so hurtful that we can't even talk to them from now on?

And I know all too well this topic, because I have this awful habit (that someday I hope I can kick). When I am done with someone (and by done I mean they have crossed my..I can deal with you anymore line) I am brutually honest, I will tell that person exactly how I feel about them and that is it. I will say everything I feel is needed and out they go, they can no longer hurt me and I will move on to bigger and better things.. Sounds harsh, I know. But that is my way of..building up my wall & pushing them over the edge.

When can we all break down our walls?
Have a simple argument and hug afterwards?
Why does it take 3 years for us to forgive someone for a breakup?
Why does a friendship have to end because you don't see eye to eye?
Why can't we end the "hate" feeling that we know all to well?

I want to hate you, but hate is love, just reversed.

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